RAW REACTION: 2017 Golden Globes Nominations

To make up for my lack of any sort of meaningful activity here — I have things in the works, I swear — I’m starting a new segment called ‘Raw Reaction,’ which is, well, what it says on the tin. The 2017 Golden Globes are right around the corner, which means the big reveal is already here — the nominations!

I’ve always said that award shows are to me what football games are to everyone else; I pretty much embarrass myself, chanting and cheering and booing at the screen, though with less face paint and chip dip. I almost enjoy finding out who’s nominated more than who actually wins though, because of course everyone’s a winner and all that good stuff. The last day or so I’ve been playing it safe, avoiding seeing too much about who’s up for what — so without further ado (and in order to maintain my sanity, because patience is not my virtue), here are my raw, unfiltered reactions to the 2017 Golden Globe nominations.

Strap yourselves in — this is going to be a long one.

Right out of the gates, my first thought is: great, so this is going to be one of those years where I’m reminded again how much of an uncultured swine I am for only having heard of two movies or less in any given category. I’m a college student, okay, cut me some slack.

Best Motion Picture — Drama: I did hear about Moonlight — though as promising as that sentence started out, I have no idea what it’s about, other than the fact the aesthetic of the posters looks really nice. Hacksaw Ridge — I love Andrew Garfield, don’t get me wrong. I think he’s enormously talented (easily the second-best Spider-Man — wow, this isn’t going well, but Tom Holland though), but… his voice. Or moreover, the accent. And I mean specifically in this movie. I can’t do it, I just can’t. He sounds like one of the voices on those Bad Lip Reading videos, and ever since I realized that, I can’t shake it.

Everything else, I’ve never heard of. I clicked on one, and I think it has Chris Pine in it? Maybe?

Best Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy: To be completely honest, I’ve never thought this category was all that fair when you think about the musical to comedy ratio. Then again, maybe there are more musicals and I just don’t know about them? Anyway, immediately I want Deadpool to win because as gory as that was (I had to close my eyes, you guys, although that’s not exactly a feat when I still get grossed out at The Walking Dead — but I did consistently eat dinner for about four or five months while I binge watched Hannibal, so), I love the character and I think the movie captured him perfectly. Plus, I’ve never seen an actor champion for a comic book character so hard for more than a decade, so props to Ryan Reynolds, right?

Also, I’m laughing at the fact that Deadpool is in with the likes of La La Land and Florence Foster Jenkins. The others, I haven’t heard about, but I get the feeling La La Land is probably going to take this one, as much as it kills my geek inside. It really does seem like a pretty movie, judging by the trailer. While I will never let her Aloha role go (seriously? How hard is it to find an Asian actress?), Emma Stone remains pretty awesome. I mean, she can sing too? Leave some for the rest of us. Meanwhile, Ryan Gosling has his own gothic rock band, which will always earn props with me because, well, I only figured out that was actually him after I had a couple songs downloaded already. Sneaky.

Best Performance by an Actor/Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama: I combined the two categories because like I said, I’m not patient. I’m so excited! I’ve actually heard of four out of five films in either category! I’m rooting for Denzel, because how could you not after just watching that trailer for Fences? (Which is all I did, because college student, remember.) Then I wonder where Viola Davis is on the actress list? Because you just know she deserves an award for whatever she’s done. Don’t lie to yourself, just accept it, you do. They better not have snubbed the Queen.

I’m all for Ruth Negga though — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. anyone? — because Loving looks so good. I won’t even be mad if Denzel loses out to Joel Edgerton, but I get the feeling either Amy Adams or Jessica Chastain is going to win (redheads are officially beginning world domination), and… maybe Viggo Mortensen? You guys, I just can’t with the Afflecks, I’m sorry. It’s a bias thing, but Ben killed it for me when he lowkey/highkey ruined Daredevil and didn’t do much better with Batman. So, sorry, but also not sorry. I don’t trust anyone named Affleck anymore. That duck from Aflac, too. It’s not you, little buddy, it’s me. Just kidding! It was all Ben Affleck.

Best Performance by an Actor/Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy: Please let Deadpool sweep these awards, please, god, please. Ryan Reynolds has wanted this role for more than a decade, please give him something for it as a token of mine and many other fangirls’ and fanboys’ personal gratitude (yeah, right, if only). The Lobster looked interesting, last I saw/heard of it six months ago, but let’s be honest: it’s probably between Ryan Gosling and Hugh Grant. Sigh. Not complaining, but I kind of am.

The Edge of Seventeen! The movie I’ve wanted to see for months but never actually got the chance to because finals week temporarily drained my life force and as a result, my will to write (papers, blog posts, etc.) and generally live on until Christmas. I hope it wins because, well, you’ll find I’m a little biased (watch me retcon this in a few weeks when I actually do see this movie). Lily Collins is always a talent though, but let’s be real, Meryl’s in this category, so who stands a chance? Not actually complaining this time, I swear.

Best Performance by an Actor/Actress in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture: I heard many a great thing about Moonlight, so I’m leaning towards Mahershala Ali, though I love Tom Ford as a director, so I have high hopes for Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s performance in Nocturnal Animals. (Can you say #aesthetic?)

Ah, there’s Viola Davis! Okay, so she’s only playing a supporting role, I can work with that. Octavia Spencer though, I need her to win. Hidden Figures is going to be my jam, I just know it (I say as I wear a NASA sweatshirt and live five minutes away from the Johnson Space Center — you guys, I’m not even trying, I swear). But if Octavia is here… and so is Viola… Where is Taraji P. Henson? I know you guys didn’t just snub her — right? Right?

(Not surprised. I could go there, but I won’t. You already know.)

Best Director – Motion Picture / Best Screenplay – Motion Picture: I see you, Damien Chazelle (La La Land), Tom Ford (Nocturnal Animals), and Barry Jenkins (Moonlight). I would love to write screenplays — in fact, that’s kind of the dream — but I get the feeling that I wouldn’t be able to give them away fully without micromanaging what becomes of them. Maybe they feel the same way, who knows, but props to them because in my limited experience, directing is hard and I don’t have the nerves for it. Leaning towards Barry or Tom, though.

Best Original Score – Motion Picture: Hans Zimmer and Pharrell Williams (also Benjamin Wallfisch). Enough said. Look no further, here is your winner. On to the next category, please.

Best Original Song – Motion Picture: MOANA. Another movie I haven’t gotten to see! I already know I’ll love it and cry like a baby while trying to pretend nothing has successfully penetrated my cold, hard exterior. Kidding. Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote this song, okay, that has to mean something. Can we please let the Disney movie win this one? Please? Or at least, don’t let Trolls beat it out? Thanks.

Best Animated Feature Film: I realize I just said I’ll love Moana, but I already love Zootopia, so. I meant to see Kubo, but it never worked out, and I never minded. Sing is fairly star-studded (is that Taron Egerton actually singing?) and I guess it looks fun, but Zootopia. Now that was a movie.

Story time: I worked at a dollar movie theater this past summer, where we showed movies that had already been released some time ago, and Zootopia was there for pretty much all of the three months I was there. And it did well. I always tried to sweep theaters for my shifts if I could because I even teared up just at the Shakira song at the end (which I know by heart at this point, thank you). It was deep, it was real, there was an honest message that I think everyone needs to watch for. My friend initially dragged me to see it, and now I trust her tastes in movies. And I don’t trust anyone’s taste in movies. That’s big.

(Then again, last time we went to see a movie, we were supposed to see Tomorrowland — A+ in my book, by the way — but we ended up seeing Spy. Friend: 2, me: 0.)

Best Foreign-Language Film: I have no idea. I guess I’ll root for one of the French ones? I’d have the best chances of understanding one of those. And no, not because my name is Paris, I’ve taken French classes. I’ve passed them, too. Just don’t ask me to say anything to you other than ‘hello,’ ‘I don’t know,’ and ‘can you repeat yourself, please?’

Best Television Series — Drama: The Crown didn’t draw me in, even for as much as I love Matt Smith, so I never got past the pilot episode. A few friends of mine love it, but unfortunately I’m more into Reign (it’s not a hard watch, okay). I also have a strange thing — ha — where if something is hyped up, that genuinely puts me off of it (I’m not a hipster, I swear). Mostly because I know the entire story, beginning to end, of Stranger Things and I’ve only seen two or three episodes? Where’s the fun in that?

This Is Us looks like a show I could get into, if I didn’t have a dozen others to catch up on. Westworld looks like a mess, but the good kind — probably what I would think about Game of Thrones if I wasn’t such a fan, to be honest. I’ll just be here in my corner with my ‘Winter is Coming’ mug, rooting for GoT.

Best Television Series — Comedy or Musical: No Fresh Off the Boat? Boo. I’m surprised Modern Family isn’t among these — wait, has it ended already? Did they pull a Glee and quietly see themselves out? Because they weren’t doing too badly for themselves, last I saw (of season 3 or 4, probably). Look, I’m still mad that Parks and Rec didn’t win this. I love Donald Glover, so count me in for Atlanta — although I have good vibes about Black-ish. Also, what is Veep? Years later I still have no idea. Actually, no, don’t tell me, I don’t care that much.

Best Performance by an Actor/Actress in a Television Series — Drama: Rami Malek! I’ve never seen an episode of Mr. Robot, but I have a friend who is obsessed and I want this for her. Him, too, I guess, and you know, the actual show. But get back to me when your friend throws herself to the floor in the middle of San Diego Comic-Con because she met Bob Odenkirk or Matthew Rhys.

Also, Winona has this in the bag. No one can talk to their son through Christmas lights quite like she can. Otherwise, Claire Foy, maybe? Although that might be too ambitious — maybe if Westworld actually is anything like GoT, it’ll be Evan Rachel Wood. Apparently she won at the Critics’ Choice Awards, which is a thing I didn’t even realize happened already (#collegelife).

(On a completely unrelated note, is her name Evan? Or Evan Rachel?)

Best Performance by an Actor/Actress in a Television Series – Comedy or Musical: Donald. Glover. His stand-up comedy shows were the first of any comedy shows that I’d ever watched, and they genuinely made me laugh out loud. There’s no question here who I’m rooting for, but unfortunately, I feel like it’s between Anthony Anderson and Jeffrey Tambor.

Okay. Okay. Gina Rodriguez is, without a doubt, amazing. I didn’t see Deepwater Horizon (which, hey, snub? I’ll stay waiting for the day Dylan O’Brien sweeps these awards), but I know in the same way I know Viola Davis is brilliant that she was amazing. However — ISSA. RAE. I have a review/recap of sorts of her new HBO show, Insecure, coming up, and let me tell you, it will be GLOWING. This is a woman, right here. I’ve been a fan since Awkward Black Girl, and I need her to prosper. She is so, so good. And Solange Knowles was her music consultant. Everything about her show blew it out of the water for me. If she doesn’t win, I’m rioting.

Best Performance by an Actor/Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: The Night Of seemed interesting, but I could never work out how to watch it — not that it matters now, because Tom Hiddleston is up for The Night Manager, and we’re all kidding ourselves if we don’t believe it’ll go to him. Bryan Cranston stands the best chance at beating him.

As for the actresses? Sarah Paulson vs. Kerry Washington. Felicity Huffman, hard maybe. American Crime was intense the last season, right? I watched an E! Hollywood documentary (loose term, I know) about The People v. O.J. Simpson, does that count for anything?

Basically, I’m too committed for a limited series. Give me 16+ episodes (or 10, in GoT’s case) or give me, well, nothing. I need more.

Best Performance by an Actor/Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: This is the longest name for a category I’ve ever seen in my life. It should be the title of an oddly specific research paper, honestly. Christian Slater for Mr. Robot, because my friend deserves this. I mean, so does he and so does the show, but you know. Unfortunately, I feel like this is the year of The People v. O.J. Simpson. Sigh. Where’s Matt Smith at, though?

Lena Headey, enough said. I have no idea how she’s only a supporting role — Cersei would have your hands for that — but I’ll work with it.

Best Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Night Manager vs. The People v. O.J. Simpson, the ultimate showdown. Dark horses are: American Crime, The Night Of. Also, I’ve never heard of The Dresser (not that that means anything, but what even is that).

So… That’s that, then. Reading on, apparently there have been some notable snubs (you don’t say), which I’m going to just add in now as a bonus round.

Silence: Directed by Martin Scorsese (wow, WordPress spellchecks its own name but not Scorsese’s — imagine being that successful). I have straight up never heard of it, but apparently Andrew Garfield is in it? Okay.

Patriots Day: I saw the trailer. Hard pass. I don’t do war movies, unless they star Tina Fey. Next.

Love & Friendship: It was expected to win big with the nominations, but it, well, didn’t. Oh well. Kate Beckinsale has the new Underworld movie to look forward to, take that, Golden Globes.

Hail Caesar!: Nah. Not no, but nah. It probably wasn’t bad at all, but it looked a mess from here. I don’t have time for that, sorry.

Sully: I’m wary when it comes to Clint Eastwood (mostly for personal reasons, although I tentatively enjoyed Gran Torino — then again, there were some parts that had me staring into an invisible camera like I was on The Office), but Tom Hanks, though. It looked like a typically good movie, so this beats me. I would’ve thought the Globes would’ve eaten this up.

Arrival: Aliens, Amy Adams, aesthetic. (That’s a lot of alliteration. Oh god, there’s more!) I can’t say much because I am a pleb who has yet to see so many of these, but it follows the same vein as Sully, doesn’t it? Like, it should have been a thing. Or maybe we’re all plebs and the Golden Globes are ten steps ahead of us and our tastes.

Rules Don’t Apply: Wow, so, okay. This movie has apparently bombed at the box office, but I didn’t know it was even out yet. Lily Collins seems like such a deserving sweetheart, at least she got her first nomination.

Hidden Figures: So it was snubbed. Treacherous snakes, all of you. I guess it’s too much more to recognize a movie about Katherine Johnson, when it took as long as it did for people to acknowledge the actual woman.

Fences: This, much like Hidden Figures, does not compute.

Finding Dory: I didn’t even think about this one. I didn’t watch it, but the reviews (from critics and friends/family) weren’t all that promising, so. In the long run, I imagined I wasn’t worse for wear and could catch it on TV someday. I’m bad at this film/TV show reviewing thing, aren’t I? Ellen Degeneres is always a plus, though.

Sausage Party: …Really though? I mean, come on.

And to quote the The Hollywood Reporter, “there are no women nominated for best director or best screenplay.” Surprise, surprise. I know I said I wasn’t going to say it, but I will: needs more diversity. I understand there’s the whole argument of ‘what if these actually are the best films/shows/actors/directors/screenplays, diversity be damned?’, but are they? Are they really?

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